


Clawing at the Ceiling

by kittleimp



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self-Aware
Genre: Autistic Tommy Coolatta, Benrey Is A Mood, Black Mesa Sweet Voice, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-typical Temporary Character Death, Chaotic Evil, Character Study, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Gen, HLVRAI But Through Benrey's Eyes, unreality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25118560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittleimp/pseuds/kittleimp
Summary: Loading game from SAVE\autosave.sav…Loading game from SAVE\c1a1.HL1…Loading decals from c1a1aLoading decals from c1a0cThis isn't real. Fuck.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 66





	Clawing at the Ceiling

**Author's Note:**

> The work and chapter titles are from "The Mariner's Revenge Song" by the Decemberists. Big thanks to [Rat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeahAlrightDude/pseuds/YeahAlrightDude) for helping me dissect the source engine, and to [Sun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunlightlover/) for editing!

The world is washed in a dim blue-green light and the ground under the guard's palms feels like gritty rock, not the cold tile of Black Mesa's flooring. That’s not surprising when his eyes adjust to the darkness. Large orange crystals jut from the grayish soil. Next to them are plants in shades of purple and red, some glowing softly in the dim light. Above his head, a large boulder floats in the air.

This is all gone the next time he blinks. It is replaced by a cavern that would almost seem earthly, if only the water in the natural pools wasn't casting gentle teal light on the dark stone. A creature that resembles a large, hairless dog with a squid for a face shrieks and begins to charge at him. A scream catches in his throat.

He blinks again and finds himself in a black void. There is no ground beneath his feet, but when he takes a tentative step forward it feels normal. Not that there's anything to travel toward, or even away from. At least, not until he turns around.

It takes a few moments to make sense of the maze sprawling around him. It appears as a jumble of blocky shapes and tubes floating in the inky blackness. He drifts toward it without moving his feet, and the closer he gets, the more details he can make out. It’s all familiar concrete and metal, along with faces and uniforms he’s seen for years. The realization hits him so hard it knocks the air from his lungs: this is Black Mesa. He’s standing outside of the tunnels.

The guard scrambles to remember what should be outside the tunnels. Dirt, obviously, and probably some pipes and vents to carry various liquids and gases into the underground facility. There’s a desert on the surface, though, and he drifts upwards to find it. Before he reaches it, the world goes dark again.

When the light returns, the guard sighs in relief. He’s outside of the facility, floating just above the reddish dirt of the New Mexican desert. Now that he’s surrounded by something that makes more sense, something odd catches the guard’s attention.

Nothing is moving. None of the scraggly desert plants are moved by a breeze, the guards at their posts don’t so much as shift their weight, and the few researchers he can see are frozen mid-stride as they cross from one building to another. The tightness in his chest grows more severe and a cold pit forms in his stomach.

Desperate to find something that makes sense, the guard drifts upward again, but beyond the desert he can already see, he finds only darkness. He's been outside of the facility before, he's sure of it. Sure, he lives in the dorms like most of the others, but they go out all the time. There's a… just outside the facility, there's… well, if nothing else, a desert, right? Even if the nearest city is hours away - and it’s not, he knows it isn’t, because he has been there - there should be more desert.

There is nothing but void.

The guard shakes as he lowers himself back to the ground. His eyes linger on the frozen forms of the other guards. When he tries to think about it, he realizes he doesn’t know any of their names. They all look the same, anyway.

Tracing his memory backwards doesn’t help the guard settle his nerves. He comes up with simple facts. He's a security guard at Black Mesa, has been for ages, working his way up the ranks until he could be trusted to protect the more restricted sectors. Sector C has been his assignment for the last… well, a while.

During his time there he's made some friends. Tommy, for example, who was helping to oversee the test. Tommy’s kind, if a bit gullible, and absolutely brilliant. His area of focus is… genetics? Yes, genetics, he remembers that now. The guard also knows other guards, of course, but he can hardly recall their names. Even the friend he spoke to this morning is a blur in his mind. Jeff? Jeffery? Jefferem? That sounds right.

Even Gordon Freeman himself had been someone he’d consider a friend. A good friend, even, and someone he admires. Gordon's an incredible scientist, a hard worker who earned his place as one of the youngest researchers on his team at just 27 years old. They give him grunt work, sure, but that's just because he’s willing to put up with it for the sake of research. Still, somewhere in there he finds time to chat with security guards, and even comes over to play games after work sometimes.

That thought stops all others dead in their tracks. The guard was going to play some games after his shift ended. He had a friend who… they could play together, but… when he tries to imagine what game, a sharp pain stabs into his skull and his brain feels as if it’s full of static.

He lowers himself again, and the world goes dark for a brief moment before the floating maze of Black Mesa appears in the void. The guard drifts to the testing chamber where things went so wrong.

One of the doctors is sprawled on the floor, eyes glazed and unseeing. His screams echo in the guard’s mind. It was a bolt of electricity. The man, Dr.… well, the guard doesn’t know his name, but he came down to try to fix things. His shattered glasses rest on the floor a few feet away. It’s a damn shame.

Gordon is on the ground as well. Everything else is still frozen in time, but Gordon’s chest rises and falls rapidly. The guard makes a confused noise and floats closer to him. The man’s eyes are glassy, as if he’s seeing something else entirely, but he’s clearly alive. The HEV suit must be just as strong as the training manual claims.

 _Shit, is this death?_ As soon as the thought has begun, the guard knows that it’s at least partially true. Hell, he knew before the test began that it would probably kill him. The more he tries to remember why he followed Gordon all the way into the testing chamber, the more bewildered he is.

_"Can I have your passport?"_

When’s the last time he actually asked for Gordon’s ID? It’s not like he didn’t recognize the guy. They see each other every day, but something about today… he just asked. There wasn’t any thought behind it. Then Gordon just started acting downright weird. Claimed he’d never needed his passport before, and didn’t have it now.

The worst part is that the guard can’t stop the sliver of doubt in his mind. After all, there’s an ID card clipped onto his own vest, isn’t there? The doors are locked with keycards, codes, and retinal scanners. Has anyone ever given him their passport? Has he ever shown someone his? Does he even have a passport?

His stomach drops and the static in his brain returns. Better not think of that right now. It doesn’t matter that he can’t even picture a passport. It doesn’t.

There were other strange things. Gordon insulted Tommy, for example. Sure, Tommy’s not the best at talking sometimes, and he does drink a lot of soda, but he’s still brilliant. Plus, the Gordon that the guard remembers isn’t the kind of person who would mock Tommy just for his lacking social skills.

All the same, in retrospect, following Freeman to the test chamber makes no sense. Every guard is fully briefed on which sections of the facility are dangerous to enter, and what will be deadly without an HEV suit. Walking in there was a death sentence… but he's a guard. Checking ID is simply company policy. He couldn’t stop Freeman from continuing, and he couldn’t let him pass without a valid ID. There was no other choice.

The guard curls in on himself, pulling his knees close. Everything is broken. Nothing makes sense. Worse than that, he can feel a twinge somewhere deep inside his chest that tells him something is horribly wrong. He closes his eyes. The painful twist inside of him is so real, so visceral, that he could almost reach in and touch it. Almost… 

He gasps and spasms, vision darkening at the edges for just a moment. Words float through his mind. They aren’t something he can see, or at least not exactly, but he knows they’re there.

> Loading game from SAVE\autosave.sav…  
>  Loading game from SAVE\c1a1.HL1…  
>  Loading decals from c1a1a  
>  Loading decals from c1a0c  
> 

_This isn't real. Fuck._

Everything snaps into focus. Truths that he was avoiding without realizing become realities in an instant. The guard knows video games, and now that he understands his situation, the signs are painfully obvious. A maze, floating in the void. Flashes of black between one location and another. Actions he can’t control, didn’t even think to control. Strings of if-then statements.

Except that can’t be right. Video game characters don’t know they’re in video games, that’s the whole point. They aren’t alive, aren’t sentient. Obviously the guard is, so why is he here? He’s got friends, thoughts, and even a name. It’s… no, he has a name, he knows he does. Everyone has a name. He’s a person, so obviously he has a name, it’s just...

> monster_barney_05  
> 

That’s not a name. It is him, though. His “name” is nothing but a number and an entity class. He’s just an object. The fifth entity of the “monster_barney” class, at least on this part of the map. The ache in his chest is the only part of him that doesn’t feel utterly hollow.

The others are fake too, then. Gordon, Tommy, the other scientists who were running the test… he uncurls himself and floats over to the window. Inside of the booth he finds the bodies of Tommy and the third scientist, both sprawled out on the floor. A bolt of electricity left burn marks on the wall behind where they used to stand.

He won’t accept this. Not Tommy, not these two strangers, he won’t accept that they’ve died for some twisted fuck’s amusement. They’re different from the rest somehow. It’s something he knows instinctively, by the way the pain in his chest tugs at the thought of them.

"There are no predetermined deaths," he mutters to himself. It turned out to be a lie when he first said it. Now he can make it the truth. Just as he could see the text without seeing it, he finds that he can type without typing. The text strings come naturally to him. It's like a language he forgot he knew and though he's rusty on the meanings, he can remember the words.

> ] npc_reset monster_scientist_03  
>  ] npc_reset monster_scientist_11  
>  ] npc_reset monster_scientist_24  
> 

One by one, they pop up on the map, scattered slightly, but all alive. Now it’s his turn.

> ] npc_reset monster_barney_05  
> 

Everything is moving again. He’s in a hallway somewhere near the test chamber and just in front of him is a scientist collapsed on the floor in a pool of blood. Down the hall, someone is yelling. Talking loudly. Something like that. As soon as he rounds the corner, he spots Gordon talking to one of the scientists.

“Oh there he is!” the scientist calls out.

“You talkin’ about a passport?” the guard asks, fixing Gordon with an unamused look. Is this the player? Is that why he’s acting so strange?

“He jumped in there, another guy jumped in there... three subjects, one sample, boom,” Gordon explains to the scientist.

“Did I not tell you to not touch that?” the guard points out.

“Did I not tell _you_ to get the fuck out of the test chamber?” Gordon snaps, shoving the guard’s chest.

Things don’t get any friendlier as the three of them make their way through the hallways. Gordon continues rambling nearly the whole time and the guard honestly doesn’t pay much attention to him. They only stop when they hear a familiar voice.

“Watch out, there’s creatures!” Tommy yells from the other end of the room.

The crab monsters break through the glass containing them within seconds. Without hesitation, the guard unholsters his weapon and begins firing on them. The weapon packs a bit more punch than he expected.

“What are we arming our guards with?” Gordon shouts, interrupted by the shocked mourning of the nameless scientist.

“That was a passport,” the guard replies with a shrug.

Gordon simply makes a noise of disgust and turns to Tommy and the nameless scientist, apparently deciding the guard isn’t worth his time. That’s fine. While he’s busy talking, the guard takes some time to observe the scientist who was already in the room. He looks like Dr. Coomer, vaguely, but doesn’t have the same light in his eyes. Actually, this lookalike seems to stare right through the guard. It makes his skin crawl.

> ] ignite monster_scientist_04  
> 

Flames immediately climb the scientist’s clothes, but the man only repeats a few pained noises and twitches as if he’s unsure where to go. His voice doesn’t change at all as he’s engulfed by fire. When the scientist burns up entirely, the guard finds himself staring at the empty space without the same grief he felt upon realizing Tommy, Coomer, and the other scientist had died. This one wasn’t special.

“Did… did he do that?” Gordon asks Tommy. Now he sounds scared and the guard feels only satisfaction. He _should_ be scared. If Gordon truly is the player then he’s fucking with something way over his head. When he turns to the guard he still sounds shaken. “Hey, what happened to those guys?”

“Uh… they didn’t have their passport,” the guard replies matter-of-factly. Gordon’s eyes go even wider.

“You’re gonna want to find that passport, Gordon,” the nameless scientist says, sounding somewhere between anxious and amused.

“Yeah, I’ll get the passport when we go to the surface, I promise.”

It’s as if Gordon’s trying to placate a dangerous animal, and the guard would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying it. With that settled, at least for the moment, Gordon turns to the nameless scientist again.

“What is your name?”

The guard almost winces at the question. This scientist is #24, but that won’t fly as a name, and there isn’t one assigned to him. He’s not meant to have one.

“I don’t remember, I took a beating to the head,” the scientist replies. It’s a skillful dodge of an impossible question.

“No bro, you know your fucking name, stop joking around,” Gordon insists. “I'm tired of people fucking with me today. What is your name?”

“Hm, fine,” the scientist says before the guard can even think of a distraction. “Mm… Bubby.”

The guard freezes. Gordon responds with disbelief, but that’s just background noise to the fact that an unnamed entity just _named itself._ That’s… impossible, or it should be. And yet. _Bubby._ All he can do is stare in wonder. Is this scientist, is Bubby someone like him? Alive, but not human?

When just a few rooms later they run into Dr. Coomer, the guard continues ahead while Gordon is occupied. Everywhere he looks he finds destruction. Smashed walls, torn corpses, all varieties of horrors. There’s lasers crisscrossing a hallway nearby and the guard pauses, a question rising from the back of his mind.

> ] set.armortype 500 monster_barney_05  
> 

Will tweaking his keyvalues take effect immediately? At all? Nevermind that he somehow knows what a keyvalue is. He sits on some toppled machinery, braces himself, and allows just the edge of his helmet to brush the laser. It… does nothing. Just gives the sensation of being pushed slightly.

He hears Gordon and the scientists enter the hallway, with Gordon chattering away as usual. Before he can turn to greet them with something suitable asinine, the gentle pushing of the laser turns into a sharp burning. The guard screams and jumps up, jogging over to safety as his head spins from the pain.

Multiple voices surround him, Gordon’s most grating of all, but he can’t focus on what they’re saying. There’s concern, though, he can figure that out. Words are too hard. He opens his mouth, producing a note and a stream of floating orbs. They fade from blue, through purple, and into pink, and then he has to stop even that. It’s too much.

> ] set.armor 500 monster_barney_05  
>  ] set.health 100 monster_barney_05  
> 

“I can read this!” Tommy says. The guard blinks as the world begins to fade in around him again.

“You can read this?” Gordon echoes in disbelief.

“Wonderful, Tommy!” Dr. Coomer exclaims.

“When it's purple like the evening... of a spring evening, then it means he's okay,” Tommy explains.

Tommy’s grasp on the sweet voice is a little unusual, the guard remembers that now. Rhymes, color association, all sorts of mnemonic devices, and he rarely uses the voice himself. It’s not easy for him to speak it, but he can find the patterns easily. Dr. Coomer, on the other hand, is just lying. The guard knows Dr. Coomer can understand him. Why he’s hiding that… well, that’s his own business, the guard decides.

Once that is over they rush through the facility, weaving through hallways and around lasers. They’re aiming for the surface, or at least that’s what the guard remembers Gordon saying.

“Right through here,” the guard says, directing the others toward the elevator. That’ll be the easiest way, if it’s still working.

Gordon hits the arrow up and the light comes on, but then a horrific metallic grinding sounds from above them and the elevator falls past them, carrying three screaming scientists to their death on the concrete floor below.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Bubby screams.

“What did you do?” the guard demands, pushing into Gordon’s space.

“Now Gordon, you may have killed three innocent lives, but it's important to stay calm!” Dr. Coomer adds cheerfully.

“You’re a murderer,” Bubby confirms.

The guard stares at Gordon as he tries to stutter and come up with some defense. This is the player, he’s growing more and more sure every moment, and this player has no idea what they’re doing. Everyone’s life depends on Gordon Freeman and it turns out he’s just some asshole who fucking sucks at gaming.

_We’re fucked._

The group continues on anyway. What else can they do? Gordon continues to be terrible, sending everyone else ahead of him and sucking horribly at combat. There’s only so much that the guard can do to keep them all safe. Of course, it’s not like Gordon appreciates that. He starts questioning the guard’s legitimacy again as soon as they run into another member of the security team.

“Hey, do you know this guy?” Gordon asks, talking over the other guard.

“What the hell are these things?” the new one asks. At least the stranger is ignoring Gordon’s questions.

“Can you believe this guy doesn’t have his fuckin’ passport?” he asks his fellow guard.

“Please don’t talk to him. Please, be quiet for just a second,” Gordon snaps and pushes the guard back, then turns to the new guard. “Do you know who this is? Do you know who this guy is? I’ve never seen him on the job before in my li-”

“That’s Barney!” Dr. Coomer interjects.

Gordon turns back to the guard and raises his eyebrows.

“Barney’s your name, right?”

“Benrey,” he corrects.

It’s spur of the moment, and largely to spite Gordon, but the moment the name leaves his mouth he decides that he likes it. He’s not Barney, not like all of the other guards here, because none of the others know what he knows. None of them can do what he does. So he’s Benrey.

And from here on out, Benrey exists to annoy the shit out of Gordon fucking Freeman.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! You can find me on [twitter](https://kittleimp.tumblr.com>tumblr</a>%20or%20<a%20href=) as kittleimp!


End file.
